#and each time the convo was kinda dying down they still managed to keep it going 😭 i could cry | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ashketchup119 · 3 years ago

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Musicality

Ok I LOVE this story!! I made a whole story based off a lil convo @jemtoka and I had, and I made oc’s based off each of us and went to town. It was very fun to write, and I got to combine my music knowledge with my writing skills.

Enjoy!

When Benji had first set out to find the ghost of Beethoven, he wasn’t actually sure that he’d be able to do it. His brother had once called him “all bite and no bark”, a reference to the fact that out of the four brothers, Benji had been the only one to not outgrow his infant habit of biting things- or people- when stressed. But in this situation, he definitely felt like he’d bitten off more than he could chew.

He absentmindedly chewed on his chewing necklace as he drafted a grant proposal with his friend, Mujika. Muji was drawing in a notebook, something for his art classes, though he looked up when prompted to review the words that had appeared on Benji’s screen. Muji had done his fair share of research, and though he did want to help with the writing of the research paper, it had been agreed that Benji was the more… academic writer. The two of them had met through social media a couple of years ago, and once they’d started direct messaging, had become close friends quickly through a mesh of shared interests, similar humor, and a half-baked scheme to take over the world.

Which led them here, to a table in the back of a 24-hour McDonalds, Benji chewing the head off a stiff chewable bat pendant and Muji using his nocturnal tendencies to do things like “make sure his friend drank water and didn’t forget that he was a person.”

“Fo you fink ish bit avou duh Immoruhl Bewuved ith done? Ish kinda duh hoh vashis of arr puhposal so…” Benji trailed off, jaw absentmindedly moving over the poor bat, whose head was holding on by sheer force of will to the rest of its body.

“What?” Muji asked. He did not speak bat-in-mouth.

Benji pulled the pendant out of his mouth with an audible pop. “Y’think this bit about the Immortal Beloved is finished? It’s like, the whole basis of our proposal n shit.”

He turned the laptop towards Muji, who closed his notebook, set it to the side, and pulled the laptop in front of him. He read it quietly, and Benji began to tap out the beat to the song playing on low volume in his earbuds. He began to hum, too, murmuring lyrics under his breath as he stared off into the distance.

“I think it looks good.” Muji finally replied, turning the laptop back toward Benji and grabbing his notebook again. “I can’t think of anything else we could add to that section.”

Benji gave a little half shrug. “I guess you’re right.”

The two of them once again worked in solitude, only broken by Benji ordering fries at about 1 AM. At 3, they decided to call it quits, though Benji seemed more wired than ever and voiced some apprehension about “going to sleep when there’s so much work to be done, Muji!” Muji chastised him slightly and promised that they could come back the next day- or rather, later that day- to finish up. There were only slight revisions to be done, then it could be sent off to the Music Master Scholars, an organization dedicated to the care and keeping of the ghosts widely considered Music Masters, which included household names like Mozart and Beethoven, but also lesser-known composers like Joseph Bologne and Francesca Caccini.

Ghosts were, of course, a commonplace occurrence, though one could theoretically live their life without interacting with one. That was rare, though; ghosts had a tendency to wander, though they could only appear in places that held significance to them in life and graveyards, but even living in a house increased the average person’s chances of encountering a ghost exponentially.

But these ghosts were special, because of the knowledge they possessed and the lives they’d lead. The Music Master Scholars were the only people in the world who both knew and had access to the location of every ghost, and to join their ranks, one had to find the location of one of the ‘hidden’ Music Masters- of which Beethoven was the most hidden. Their non-administrative members were unknown, but said to be most, if not all, of the foremost music scholars in the world. How could they not be, with the Masters themselves guiding their research?

Benji and Muji really, really wanted to be Music Master Scholars.

When he was 10, Benji had been given some sort of “young musician” scholarship to visit Europe for a month. He was a double bassist, a dying breed in the modern age, and the fact that he had progressed from monotonic exercises to Baroque sinfonias in the span of four months had impressed his teachers.

His parents had gone along, too, mostly because they knew their child, and Benji did have a propensity to get into trouble. Devil’s luck, his mother had tsked, and that had been that.

He’d managed to escape the group in the middle of a museum, though he didn’t wander far. He just wanted to look at everything without feeling like people were constantly breathing down his neck.

Well. HE didn’t consider “the park near the museum” to be far. His parents did, though, he found out later.

At the park, he found a man. Well, not a man. A ghost. The ghost was staring wistfully at the museum in the distance, and started when he noticed a small child staring at him.

“Hi! Who are you?” Benji asked, clutching the stuffed animal his parents had gotten him at another museum the day before.

The ghost cleared his throat. “I’m uh…” He started in a raspy voice before pausing and clearing his throat again. “I’m,” He sighed. “I’m Johannes Brahms.”

“Yo-hahn Brahmzzzz.” Benji repeated, drawing out the last “s” sound. “Oh! You did music, right?”

Brahms smiled slightly, and nodded.

The two of them talked for a while before Benji’s parents arrived, harried and frustrated. They apologized profusely to the ghost, who insisted it hadn’t been a problem.

The whole experience left Benji starry-eyed, and with the help of a friend he’d made in Germany, he would call and converse with Brahms for hours, asking about counterpoint and meaning and technique and just in general picking his mind. The composer took this with grace, and seemed more than happy to answer the young musician’s questions. When he’d told Benji about the Scholars, Benji had immediately decided that he was going to be a Music Master Scholar.

Muji had played violin until he’d dropped out of high school to take care of his mom, and hadn’t resumed it until after him and Benji had been talking for a while. He didn’t know much about composition, but he loved music history, and after getting his GED and enrolling in college, had even majored in it. Plus, he just kinda just thought the whole thing was cool.

They’d been researching for a year and a half, with pointers from Brahms, and tips from a professor Benji’d had two years ago, a Classical scholar named Dr. Chang. Benji had once emailed her and asked, point-blank, if she was a Music Master Scholar, but she’d only sent back a cryptic winky face emoji in response.

The next day, after three more hours of sitting in McDonalds, revising the proposal (most of which was Muji saying “Benji it looks fine!” and Benji responding with “No, no, this comma in paragraph seven just makes it sound better! Ties it all together, don’t you think?”), it was sent off in an email, and Benji resolved not to think about it while Muji resolved to mention it at the most inopportune moments, just to mess with his friend a little.

They were approved a month later, and three months after that day at McDonalds, they were sitting on a plane heading to Austria, Benji mouthing practice phrases in German as Muji slept. They had about a month to traipse all over Europe in search of a ghost very few people had been able to find, and they were excited to start.

The first week was spent in Austria, visiting Beethoven’s own grave (a nonstarter; the ghosts there hadn’t seen Beethoven since he was buried, and none knew where he’d gone), his childhood home and the area surrounding.

Nothing.

The second week was spent in Vienna. There, they visited the ghost of Mozart, who was a fidgety, flighty sort. He was known for being somewhat immaterial, and often took to jumping on top of objects in a manner that caused the people around them to panic for a few seconds before realizing he was too immaterial to do anything more than whisper vaguely about his childhood. He’d tried to pet Muji’s hair and got annoyed when nothing happened, so it wasn’t a particularly long visit.

They tried to visit Haydn, but while the location of Haydn’s ghost was well-known, only Music Master Scholars were allowed to see him, as he claimed the crowds exhausted him, and he wanted to be able to give his full attention to those visiting him. It made sense, since ghosts used massive amounts of energy to communicate and interact with the world around them, and the more energy they expended, the less time they were able to spend on earth. Despite this, the two of them did make an effort, but were summarily barred from entering.

“Next time!” Benji declared confidently as they walked to their next potential Beethoven hot spot.

They visited Brahms, who had resolved to meet them in Vienna upon learning they were coming, and spent a whole day with him, visiting locations which had been important to him and letting his impromptu history lessons wash over them with a look of awed reverence.

Beethoven wasn’t in Vienna, and by the third week the two friends were feeling the threat of rejection hot on their heels. They began keeping odd hours, trying their hardest to figure out their next move.

“Maybe we should reread our proposal? Clearly the Scholars saw something in it, right?” Muji theorized from the bed he’d claimed as his their first night in the hotel.

“Mmmm.” Benji responded from his position on the floor at the foot of his bed, still feeling the after-effects of a well-deserved mental breakdown.

“Come on, Benji!” Muji tried to motivate him. “We can do it! You’re a super cool music spy, remember?”

Benji huffed at the reminder of an old, inane conversation between the two. “I don’t know, Muji. I think it’s kinda pointless.”

“Come on, Benji!” Muji tried again. “This is like, your dream! It’s now or never! Put our mutual brain cell to use so we can find Beethoven!”

Benji sighed and got up. “Fine, fine.” He murmured as he got off the floor, grabbed his copy of the proposal from his bag, laid down on the bed, and stuffed another chewable pendant into his mouth. “Wet’s fee.”

Silence reigned for a few, brief seconds, before Muji suddenly exclaimed, “Hey! We never checked out anything about the Immortal Beloved, right?”

Benji sat up straight on his bed and spit out the pendant. “Holy shit, we never checked out anything about the Immortal Beloved.”

After a quick Google search, two train tickets, a couple of sandwiches, and a dash through the rain, they arrived at the Frankfurt Main Cemetery. There, they asked after the name they’d listed in their proposal as the possible Immortal Beloved, and the ghosts pointed them towards the back of the cemetery.

In a ghost grotto, they found a woman, calmly humming the tune from one of the Diabelli variations, though in their excitement neither Benji nor Muji could name the tune.

“Are you-“ Benji paused and took a couple of deep breaths. “Are you the Immortal Beloved?

The woman stopped humming and smiled at them.

“Ah, that is a moniker I have not heard in some time.” She arose and walked away from them, lifting her skirts elegantly in a manner which conveyed a sense of class. “Come; I think you are the ones I’ve been expecting.”

The two followed after her eagerly and looked confused when they stopped at a mail office in town. There, she reached into a P.O. box, pulled out a silver envelope, and gave it to Benji.

“This is yours.” She murmured. “Please do come to visit; it’s rare that I receive visitors.”

With this, she disappeared.

The two stared at the envelope for a couple of seconds before Benji eagerly opened it, accidentally ripping the envelope in half. He then read it, brow furrowing in confusion.

“What’s it say?” Asked Muji, eagerly, from over his shoulder.

“It says… it’s just numbers? I don’t get it.” Benji gave him the paper, trying to puzzle out what it meant.

Muji frowned, then plugged the numbers into Google.

“It’s a location!” He burst out, excitedly shoving the phone in Benji’s face.

The two of them hurriedly called a taxi, listing the location Muji’s phone had given them. They were dropped off in front of the building, and saw someone standing at the entrance. They showed the person (a Scholar!) their letter, and with a large smile, they were taken inside, their guide walking confidently as Benji and Muji trailed behind them. The interior of the building was long and winding, which left the two feeling as though they’d been deceived by the outward appearance of the building. The building had looked small and unassuming, and this place was built like a maze. They were sure they’d be lost if they tried to head back without a guide.

Near the end of the path they heard the sound of a piano playing, and warm light spilled into the hallway. They eagerly rushed ahead, much to the amusement of the Scholar.

There, facing the wall, conducting half a beat behind the sound coming from the recorder behind him, stood Beethoven.

Benji gasped, and clutched Muji’s shoulder. He pointed ecstatically at the figure in the room. “It’s Beethoven!!!” He stage-whispered.

Muji smiled widely as he nodded back. “Yeah!!”

The two of them turned around when a voice behind them cleared. The Scholar gave them each a thick letter with the recognized seal of the Music Master Scholars on the back, and the two of them stared at it, unsure of what to do.

“Well?” The Scholar prompted, rocking back and forth on their heels. “Aren’t you going to open it?”

Benji ripped into his envelope first, completely abandoning the flap as he tore the side off. His hands shook as he pulled out a letter on creamy white stationary. He skimmed the words and began crying, clutching the letter and envelope to his chest.

Muji was slightly more careful, removing the letter from the envelope via the flap and pulling out the other contents of the envelope. A laminated membership card, a list of locations of other ghosts, and an alphabetized list of other Scholars with contact info and a small bio were also in the envelope. He pulled out each one, looked at it, and put it back in the envelope. He then stopped and held the envelope in his hands, staring at it.

After about ten minutes, the guide worriedly asked Muji, “Is Benji alright? He’s been crying for a while.”

Muji nodded absentmindedly. “Yeah, he cried for like two hours after I finished streaming Crisis Core for him.” At the guide’s look of confusion, he added, “Video game.”

The guide made a small noise of understanding and nodded.

When Benji’s sobs finally faded into sniffles, the three of them began the trek out of the building.

“Sorry this route is so long.” The Scholar apologized. “Oh! Also! I forgot to introduce myself.” They paused and turned, offering their hand. “I’m Soraya Cham! I was the last person to find Beethoven’s ghost. When I heard about you guys, I got excited, really. I was rooting for you!”

The two of them shook her hand and nodded, unsure what else to say.

Soraya continued, then hailed a taxi when they reached the road. They waved goodbye to Benji and Muji as the two of them got in the backseat.

“We did it!” Benji shouted once they were back at their hotel.

#original story #yall get one guess as to which of us is benji n which of us is muji #i hope yall r enjoying these #when the mania ends its all over for these original story posts sry to tell u #ash does shit

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heckinhacker · 5 years ago

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True Damage!Yasuo x reader - I’m glad you’re evil too.

A/N: I was inspired by Ashe's cover of “I'm glad you're evil too” and I absolutely loved it. Here goes nothing! There might be some errors, I’ve read it many times and can’t find anything anymore, but can happen. Sorry.

word count: 6,311 requested: no. warnings: Cursing, as in most of my posts. Welp~!^^ + It can be messy, I never wrote a long fic and english is being hard for me :(

Yasuo loved music since forever, and knew he was talented himself. Everyone around him praised him if he had shown them his own beats. He was DJ for every school party hosted, even volunteered to be on his own prom night, but everyone said he’s fine to go and party for once.

He didn’t want to party, nor to dance. He wanted to be behind the laughs and screams, making it fun for others. He knew that he wasn’t very social. I mean, he was friendly, sometimes flirty, but social? He prefered reading mangas, watching animes and making music, this was all he wanted.

And that’s how the popular DJ works alone since forever. Loner genius who was out of reach for most of musicians. No one was worthy working with him. One didn’t had enough passion, other just wasn’t it. And he searched for something.

Musical something was found with a rise of “Giants”, or so called “True Damage” group. They had something he searched in music, but why he still felt empty?

Ekko and girls always asked him out: -After-party maybe, Yas? - Akali smiles while bending down a little to make that ‘sneaky-happy’ pose. - As if, I had some beat idea I need to work on, Akali. - he gives her a hand with a motion of ‘stop’ while saying no. And some other time: - Yo, bro, you up for a drink after recording? - Ekko stopped him before he went off for his break. - You can manage without me, Ekko. You have fun anyway. - murmured long haired man, avoiding eye contact. And another after some: - Don’t act all cold and mysterious, ninja, while you’re drooling over some drawn big-eyed girls and come on, you have nothing better to do! - huffed Qiyana, crossing her arms on chest. - Thanks for your not-asked-for opinion, princess. - and he added nothing more. That lasted, and the longer he avoided friendly meetings, Senna tried to talk up: - I’m worried about you, Yasuo. Want to take a walk? - you could feel her concern only by looking her into eyes. That’s kind of her, but... - Thank you, Senna, but you have bigger problems than my own on your head. How is your husband, by the way? - he didn’t meant to be rude, and Senna understood. - Lucian’s fine, he’d appreciate you asking, even though you talked only once. And you’re never a problem, remember. He only waved her away, heading to home, to do his own things. He prefered it that way, or so he thought.

With time, things he enjoyed stopped meaning anything. For example, which hurt him the most: He was so enthusiastic for Star Guardian series, but damn it, he stopped feeling happiness with every single update from mangaka. It hurt. He knew something was off, so he thought he’ll find himself correspondence buddy. Join some group connected to the series, noone will know he’s popular and will chat about Guardians as he’d love someone to and that’s what he did! TheUnforgiven01: hi. TheUnforgiven01: i’ll let myself into convo, if that’s fine. ezpezlemonsquez: That’s what that chat is for, of course! We were just discussing which group was better in many aspects, then compared aspect to the other. TheUnforgiven01: sounds fun, i guess? but it’s obvious ahri team’s better, they had more morality about disappearing, and ahri as the leader took a step of redemption for her stars, nothing to even try to compare to. [nick]: Oh okay. Your opinion is valid but actually is not.

Yasuo raised his brow. Oh, someone’s mad? “Valid”, he’s mad now too.

TheUnforgiven01: and that means? i’m right and you’re not, i suppose. you’re mad abt it? [nick]: Okay, Unforgiven, listen to me now. I am longer in this group and always argued morally about everything, but plain and stupid, unexplained opinions of stubborn kids like you just piss me off. What if someone find staying by rules more morally-right, huh? Ever consider that? TheUnforgiven01: if you’d like to die just because you were chosen by some glitter and glory of first star then fine, but some weren’t, they were normal teenagers under disguise, what about their families? ezpezlemonsquez: Guys, you’re starting to fight and it’s not cool, can you chill?? [nick]: They knew about the risk by agreeing! Being chosen is one, but agreeing is their own fucking choice!!! TheUnforgiven01: and YOU’D be fine with dying, [nick] ? [nick]: Of course not! But anyone can die while saving the world, not because of losing a light, you know? If not that, there is the risk of being corrupted, like Xayah and Rakan, isn’t that right?? TheUnforgiven01: and it hurt, but they can be saved, and by dying officially you cannot do shit about it, yeah? ShiningBrightTonite: If you won’t stop acting up I’ll have to mute you both until tomorrow, keep it down! TU, you just joined and make a fight right away, can you give me a reason to let you stay?

Yasuo’s hands twitched. He ALMOST dissed admin, and that would be it, poof and no corresponding buddy for him. He sighed deeply, took himself some longer moments and only typed. TheUnforgiven01: sorry. i’ll join next discussion and be all innocent and sweet, like newborn baby. [nick]: Newborns are wrinkly and ugly. ShiningBrightTonite: [nick] !! [nick]: Just saying. TheUnforgiven01: aight, ama head out.

~TheUnforgiven01 has left the chat~

That was it for today.

Yasuo just took a quick shower, ate one sandwich and went to sleep, while blasting music on his headphones. Way to deal with his nerves.

About your side…

Generally you’re the angel of this community, you’re always passionate and calm about others opinion, but this dude just pressed the wrong button by his like...third message? No one saw you this mad, and this group had many dramas which YOU were most of the times reason to stop, but now? Some admins laughed about that in admin chatroom with you about it, but let you be with a slight warning, friendly nudge on the arm with ‘don’t do that next time, he’s new and doesn’t know how to hang on things, ya kno?’ So you went with it. Even decided to apolagize to this dude in pm. The question was: today or tomorrow? Tomorrow sound more appealing, but if you do it now, you won’t have to do that tomorrow, so it’s now. You sighed deeply, it’s been an hour and a half, so you hoped he’s cooled down too.

[nick]: Sorry to bother you in your “private message” zone, but I thought about all this situation and I’m sorry for how I acted, really? Not like all fault was mine, we both know that, it’s just...I shouldn’t had curse and stuff. I’m not generally bad, I hope you don’t hold any grudge to me. We’ll chat on a group, ye?

…

And no answer. Maybe he is that furious? You sure hoped he wasn’t. Or she. Or anyone that was. With a heavy sigh you stood up, got yourself warm cup of tea to chill a little bit more. You’ll go to sleep...eventually.

By sleep you mean passing out on your desk, face down. Your poor arms...and back...it’ll hurt, that’s for sure. Watching Netflix till late was a bad idea. Good thing it’s weekend, right? Your day of freedom from responsibilities!

What time is it…?

You locked your eyes on your room’s clock which was 6 minutes late from time but you’re too lazy to fix that. It was - according to your always late clock - 01:06 pm. You still felt sleepy, but it’ll be fine, right? Slowly, you rubbed your wake-up tears from your eyes and looked at screen in front of you. A few pings from group chat from admin role and one private message. Huh, neat, time to eat- hold on, wait a minute. Private message? You sat up straightly and clicked on it right away. This is this unforgiven fella! After you wrote this short message you grinned weakly and went off of your room to wake up properly.

TheUnforgiven01: no problem, it’s nice how you defend what you believe in. TheUnforgiven01: am sorry too. TheUnforgiven01: not sure if i am good at chatting in group, but we always can hit each other up here? TheUnforgiven01: if you want to TheUnforgiven01: and i didn’t mean to sound weird TheUnforgiven01: ah whatever, answer here if you want or not, bye.

You made yourself your favourite breakfast, ate and thought about this little spam that person did. Kinda cute, maybe they’re self-concious, and joining chatting group was overhelming? You’ll answer after refreshing cup of [coffee/tea/hot chocolate], you promised yourself. You never write to anyone before morning cup. To summarize your morning routine, the hot drink had to be in your now favourite cup. Earlier one got shattered into pieces by your unaware of consequences cat. You weren’t mad at it, but at yourself for leaving the cup on windowsill instead of hiding it properly. That kind of sad event for you made you buy this cup from that new music group you enjoyed listening to. True Damage, wasn’t it? You never liked rap, but this boy Ekko nailed stuff. You loved everyone equally in this group, but never understood that long-haired, masked (you assumed) asian man and his influence. He was there, maybe he made the music in the background, compositor? He seemed too mysterious for you, but meh. He fit group’s aesthetic, and you were sure he had his place in there, and it’s fine. Maybe you figure it out once you see them live, since, what a shocker, they had a tour around the world and were not only in your country, but in your town too! They'll be here in like… 6 months from now? You can't wait! Bonus to that: No long trip ahead of you, just buying tickets and going, you were hyped for that.

Meanwhile this waterfall of thoughts you managed to drink and eat everything, and as responsible as you can get, you washed the dishes right away, going back to your PC to answer this maybe-shy fella.

[nick]: Didn’t figured you’d like to talk ‘privately’, but whatever floats your boat ;) TheUnforgiven01: i changed my mind, don’t write to me again. [nick]: Hey, hey! I was just joking around, don’t be like that! :(( TheUnforgiven01: i am unforgiven, and you are too in this situation. TheUnforgiven01: i honestly joined to make one friend in this group and leave TheUnforgiven01: and didn’t got any chance of meeting anyone else but you TheUnforgiven01: and you wrote to me first into priv, so that’s the start. TheUnforgiven01: can it stay like that? TheUnforgiven01: if we won’t like each other it’s chill to just say oficial bye and stop, just sayin. [nick]: As for someone who types so fast you don’t make that much of typos, isn’t that amazing? TheUnforgiven01: maubie. TheUnforgiven01: maybe* TheUnforgiven01: fuck you just jinxed it.

You genuely laughed by this little mistake, you didn’t saw that coming and it amused you. You weren’t much of a talkative person yourself, but writing to someone, not seeing their face and such was much easier. And consequences of making yourself of a fool are much smaller than knowing someone from the same - let’s assume - town. [nick]: I’m sorry I did, but the moment I picked to say that was funny, wasn’t it? Nothing to be ashamed off, it often happens to me too! TheUnforgiven01: didn’t saw you make a typo yet. [nick]: Because I’m giving way too much attention not to do a typo since I want to make a good impression on you. Sounds good? TheUnforgiven01: … TheUnforgiven01: sounds good, relatable actually.

Well, now at least you know you’re stuck in the same situation.

And that awkward situation was two weeks ago.

Now? Now you’re talking daily. From all you know, your, as he called it - corresponding buddy - is a very busy he. He didn’t revealed his real name, which you assumed that he’s embarassed about it. You told him what you’re doing in life generally, while he just said he’s normal, let me quote: “big-ass adult who lives with parents but work in some fast-food, at least i’m trying.” which was cool for you, at least he didn’t lock himself in his parents’ basement. Unforgiven was a chill dude and at the beginning you thought he’d only hit you up with Star Guardian topics, but later? You started talking about yourselves, about other interests.

[nick]: Hey? [nick]: I assume you’re busy today, again… [nick]: I was wondering, what are you busy with? I mean, you said you work on some fast-food place, then sit in your room, are you gaming? I’d understand that, I was just...thinking. [nick]: Sorry if I seem pushy, it’s just that I really grew on chatting with you and was wondering when are you free again! Heh. [nick]: We’ll talk later, then, hit me up when you can!

You pushed yourself back on your chair, groaning. You totally were pushy, but didn’t meant to - that’s what you thought, but it’s totally normal, you’re just interested with someone you just met. You chatted with a lot of persons in the group, etc. but no one had your interest pointed directly at them, that’s a big something. You kinda felt like you’re opening too fast for him too, and you had no clue if that’s ok. You cover your eyes with hands, overthinking your situation with unnamed male. When your thoughts started to be not too pleasant you heard your communicator's sound going off. As fast as you pushed yourself back, you were that fast in front of your PC.

TheUnforgiven01: i have a break now. TheUnforgiven01: i'm sorry [nick], I am not ignoring you on purpose. TheUnforgiven01: i enjoy talking to you too, don't ever think oterwide TheUnforgiven01: otherwise* TheUnforgiven01: we'll talk about that later. TheUnforgiven01: now, how are you? i hope i didn't made you sad. [nick]: No, no! It's OK! I understand you have a real life too, I assume a real life friends too. That's normal, that's okay. TheUnforgiven01: i like you. i can consider you as my friend, but. [nick]: But? TheUnforgiven01: but you should not consider me as yours. [nick]: What t? Why?/?? / TheUnforgiven01: my break's over, i gtg. i'll catch you later. [nick]: Okay, later!

Your hands twitched uncontrollably after that weird message. What did he mean? You're his friend but he's not yours? It kinda worried you, but you went to do your stuff until he has time to talk. Maybe it sounds cliché but you wait impatiently until he starts a chat with you and you know each other for only two weeks.

It made you worry about your friend. Maybe he has some troubles you don't know about for sure? You only had to hope it's not gang involved. You were sure to later tell a few words to him.

You ate out with one of your friends, just to eat, chill around. As you weren't sure what to do generally about "unforgiven situation", you decided to ask her: - Uh, it's kinda awkward, but can I ask you for advice? - you ask. - Oh of course! What's going inside of your pretty little head? - So I met someone on my group- - Nerd group? - she interrupted. - Yeah, that one. - you admitted with defeat. Honestly, no matter what you say, she still keeps on going with nerd club. - And there was that guy, he started arguing with me. Later we apologized to each other and now we're chatting for two weeks everyday, but about how much do we write depends if he's free or not. Today he said something odd, have a look.

You moved your phone so your friend can see mysterious message from Unforgiven. She sighed and then looked at you with that pity look of hers. - What? - Honey, swettie… you have two options. One: he's really trying to make you think of him. Two: he really means it. You should start off with "I'm worried about you!" and tell him how you really feel. - Okay. Okay… I just. I don't know what's going on with him. - Why are you so moved of that? You know each other for only two weeks. Are you… Crushing on him?!?! - WHAT? Nonononono, you got that wrong, I just want to get to know him! That's all, really! - Uh-huh! When he's free today, you get him, tiger! Just won't get into any trouble, sweetheart.

You sighed, then smiled at her, closing your eyes in satisfaction. You're a lot calmer now. "Thank you, [friends name].” You said, until you both went back on chatting about everything.

And when you were back? You dressed yourself to home wearing, sat down comfortably on the couch and checked your phone. Unforgiven actually wrote to you first! And a lot.

TheUnforgiven01: hey. TheUnforgiven01: sorry I had to go all of sudden, work stuff, had shorter break. TheUnforgiven01: i don’t want you to think i don't want to get to know you, i do. TheUnforgiven01: it's just hard for me, ‘n stuff. TheUnforgiven01: we'll get to it, please give me some time. TheUnforgiven01: you'll know everything about me in no time, just give me some and we'll be friends, true ones. TheUnforgiven01: if you'd want to, ofc. TheUnforgiven01: hit me up when you're back from your little date.

You gave into every single message a lot of focus. You weren't sure what to say at first, but decided to just go for it.

[nick]: It's OK! I was worried about you, but if you say I'll get to know all the things about you in time, I'll go with it! But remember this one thing: I consider you as my friend, no matter what. We'll get through your insecurities and secrets, I'll be patiently waiting!

[nick]: And it was NOT a DATE. I was out with my friend!! >:( TheUnforgiven01: yeah, sure, you playa. TheUnforgiven01: better be good. [nick]: Very funny! TheUnforgiven01: for me it is. [nick]: Aren't you tired after work? You don't want to sleep? TheUnforgiven01: i thought you genuinely missed me, buy you want me out right now. TheUnforgiven01: now i'm sad. [nick]: It's not like that! I'm just worried about you, goofball. TheUnforgiven01: sure, explain yourself even more. TheUnforgiven01: only guilty explain themselves. [nick]: Come on!! D: TheUnforgiven01: i can chat for a bit and then go.

You chatted and chatted, slowly getting to know his character, but he still remained as Unforgiven, unnamed boy you slowly, but in agony, fell for. It's been three months from your first encounter.

You wonder how are you going to ask him about a next step in your friendship. It is, indeed, hard. Good question is why are you the first to ask? It almost hurt imagining yourself with blank space, nor even voice known to begin with. You fell hard for dude you only know behind Unforgiven, and wanted to hear his voice. You were ready for him to decline, but you won't know without trying.

He said he'll be back pretty late today, and he may not write, but he left you a warning pretty early in the morning. You weren't sure why did he woke up so early, but you just shrugged it, saying that he must be in some other time zone. You didn't even knew where he is from, this man is a big mystery for you.

You waited for him to come back in your bed, before sleeping. You had to ask that question now or never, you know if you'll put it for tomorrow you want do that anytime soon. It has to be done. It was 2am now and your eyelids were getting heavy. Reading books or literally anything wasn't helping at all, and when your body demands rest. You almost drifted to sleep, but then

Ding!

It was him, before sleep you assumed. No matter what you did you always wrote to each other, even stupid "goodnight for later, I'm going to sleep now, be sure to rest enough." was there.

Your eyes were wide open and you moved your hand to the phone way too fast as for almost sleeping person.

TheUnforgiven01: hey. TheUnforgiven01: i'm aftwr work TheUnforgiven01: i am really tires ya kno TheUnforgiven01: fuck typos in lsrticilar [nick]: Particular? TheUnforgiven01: you're not asleep yet? damn [nick]: I was kinda waiting for you, you know? TheUnforgiven01: oh really? what's the occasion? [nick]: It's… I have a question for you. TheUnforgiven01: aight, give me your shot. [nick]: Would you like to… agh it's stupid. TheUnforgiven01: no, go ahead. [nick]: We write with each other for a while now and I was wondering if… [nick]: If you'd like to make a phone call, maybe? Or, voice call, anything really? No personal questions, just five minute chatting about anything. Promise?

Yasuo hesitated for a longer bit. Should he agree? He don't use his voice in his recordings, so maybe he should? He treats this person like someone close, so why should he avoid them like a plague? He saw little mark above chat window which suggested you furiously were typing. He sighed, smiling softly to his phone's screen.

TheUnforgiven01: it's alright,don't worry. TheUnforgiven01: we can chat a bit. TheUnforgiven01: we can call here, you know. for you to avoid any additional payment.

You sigh with relief. Okay, he did agree. What now?? Holy shit. You were more than nervous. You didn't saw that coming and because of all of this you forgot to answer him. You almost jumped when you got another message.

TheUnforgiven01: i'll call first, since i see you're nervous. TheUnforgiven01: i'll hit you up in 5 min. answer me by then.

It maybe was stupid, but you checked yourself in the mirror, almost like before date. You fixed your hair, checked if nothing was stuck between your teeth, wash your face, and your time slipped between your fingers, your phone was ringing with typical for your communicator song. You jumped, then panicked, then jumped beside your phone and slowly answered your call before it ended sending a signal.

- H...hello? - your voice croaked out of nervousness. You mentally slapped your forehead, classical facepalm. - Hi. - you heard calm voice with that tune of tiredness, that little growl at the end. His voice was soft, warm, pleasant. You smiled right away. - Damn, you sound so chilled out while I am...wow. I am a blushing mess right now, I wanted this but don’t know what to say to you! Like, wow! - Maybe start with how was your day? I’d love to hear that. - that was just an excuse, but you didn’t knew that. - Oh...kay. It was fine. Boring, to be honest. Woke up, drank [tea/coffee/hot chocolate] from this True Damage cup I once told you about, went out, made my boring everyday routine, was thinking how I should ask you about talking, then went back home, bored my ass off on some documentaries and here we are, talking! - Sounds fun. - he commented shortly. Even if it might sound like he doesn’t care, you understood that he just was like that. That stupid feeling. - Maybe you’ll tell me something you did today? - Something I’d love to do, but I must avoid that. Not today, [nick]. - Call me [y/n], okay? That’s my real name. You don’t have to tell me yours! I’d like you to call me [y/n] though. - That’s a nice name. Like the sound of it. - his goddamn voice will be the end of yours. You sighed loudly with this goofy smile. - Thank you so much. So, if not the day, tell me something you actually can share. - I was thinking about you today. - he shot these words right through your heart. - O-Oh? Re-really? - you stuttered, hating yourself for that. - Heheh, yeah. - he chuckled, making you forget about hating your stutter since it made him laugh in this tone. This goddamn tone. - Was thinking if you were alright. And because your pathetic ass was distracting me from work, my boss forced me to go on break! Used it to smoke, but none then less, thanks. - Hey, your bad for wandering off in work! And quit smoking, dumbass! - you scolded him, ending this “”very serious”” scold with a laugh, which Yasuo answered with louder, honest laugh. You were all red by now. - God, it’s good talking to you. Let’s do that more often. Not every day, but...you know. More often. - O-okay. Okay, sure. Cool. - you answered,trying to kill this little squeal in your throat. - I’ll have to go to sleep, [y/n]. Sleep well, ok? - No promise, but you have a rest. Thank you, again. For agreeing. - Heh. No problem, I am glad I did agree too. Sleep tight. - another chuckle, then hanging up sound.

Well, what can I say. This was the most emotion-forcing call you ever had. He wished you good night, you had trouble falling asleep.

Generally speaking, you had a talk like that once in three days. The big day of concert was coming, so you decided to ask Unforgiven if he is interested in coming too. You’re searching for a chance of meeting him in real life.

Yasuo expected from incoming call anything but question what was awaiting him. He was having a flight with a band to [town’s name] in next three days, so he had to tell you he can’t really talk as you both always do. When he heard a communicator’s song, he pressed answer button right away, smiling to his phone like you could see he’s happy to see you. - Hewwo? - he answered in very forced squeaky voice, which made you erupt with laughter. - Hey, goofball. How was your day? - Lazy. Was distracted a lot, I was waiting for out call before sleep. So, what’s new? - Today was okay’ish, you know? I’m not even that tired. Maybe being excited makes me go cray-cray. - Psh, good. - he looked at himself in the mirror, seeing how wide his smile was. Almost concerning. - Hey, dude? - Hm? - Are you...by any chance, going to see True Damage in [Town’s name]? I never asked you about your music taste but I was wondering. Wondering that if you’d be here...maybe we’ll meet? ‘Cuz, you know. I’ll be here. - I- - his voice was stuck in his throat. Oh. Shit. Fuckfuckfuck. Not good. What now? -...you? Are you okay? - Ahm- yes, it’s just that. You’re...hella right. I will be there. - OH REALLY? - you asked unecessarly too loud, then cleared your throat. - A-and...you’d like to meet? - Uhhh… - fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck - Yeah. Sure. I’d love to finally see you. Can you imagine this feeling? We don’t know how we look, so finding each other would be insane, but can you imagine the result? - Me, asking some random dudes “Hey, are you Unforgiven?” ? No, let’s send each other selfies, maybe? - Nah, I’d love to see you embarrass yourself. - HEY! - Okay, okay. I promise we’ll find each other. I won’t go home until we do. - Promise you won’t leave me out? - Promise. - Thank you. I’ll go to sleep, so we’ll catch up later, ok? By- he cut you out. - Wait, [y/n]. I have to tell you something real quick. - Yeah? - you pulled your phone back to ear. - I won’t be too available around these days. But at the day of concert I’ll call you in the morning. I won’t be in any reach of connection, I hope you understand. - Uh..okay. Thank you for telling me. Good night, sleep tight. - ‘Night.

You hung up. It’s alright, it’s ok. Nothing to sweat. You’ll only meet your crush in three days only.

OKAY NEVERMIND IT IS AMAZING. You - thankfully - fell asleep pretty fastly.

To be fair, these three days? Were going through slow in agonizing way, but when the day of concert hit up, your heart was racing since you woke up. You had that five minute talk with Unforgiven, as he promised, assuring you that he is going to be there for sure. After you hung up, you started preparing yourself! You wore your best clothes, made sure you look stunning but not too overrated and just dived into it! You gladly told your friend you’re meeting your crush, informing her with that she’s not forced to go see True Damage with you anymore. She was more of Pentakill person, and it was alright. She wanted to go along since she knew how “un-funny” would it be without her, but you knew her real motive was you not feeling alone. So when she acknowledged that you’re not going to be alone, she said she’s glad she doesn’t have to listen to Ekko and Qiyana’s rapping. Well, good noone is forced.

At first,you wanted to find Unforgiven right away, but gave up and focused on music experience. You wanted to be there beside him, but well, maybe he lost connection again and couldn’t hit you up. And you had hell of a fun in there! But somewhere deep inside you were worried that he just tricked you and will never show up or tell you where he is exactly.

True Damage’s crew said final goodbyes and after some stumbles, it was quiet on stage. Everyone kept cheering or talking, sometimes screaming unecessarly. Still, not a single sight of Unforgiven. Well, at least you got to know what this long haired guy was doing in the crew. Epic T-pose and manipulated music with this sword looking thingy. Amazing effects. You decided to find yourself sitting place somewhere, staring at your phone screen. No message, no missed calls, not anything. It made you sad, that’s true, but maybe he’ll catch up? You waited. And waited.

And waited.

And the more you waited, the more you felt tears getting into your eyes. You were ready to burst into sobbing mess, but then your phone rang. This stupid communicator song. You answered up right away with little sniff” - Where the hell are you? You said that- - I know, [y/n]. I am here, let me instruct you where I am right now. Where are you? - You should be one searching for me, you know? I almost thought you weren’t coming, what’s up with that? - you unintentionally raised your voice, letting out a sob meanwhile that. Yasuo felt so bad now. - Listen...I’ll tell you everything. Everything will be explained when you’ll see me. I hope you’ll forgive me. If not, it’ll be this “official goodbye” moment, can you trust me this one last time? - ...fuck. Fuck, okay. I am on the bench close to food truck. You? - Stand up then, go to the barriers understage. - Understage…? Alrigt, wh-atever you say.

You blindly went in there, trusting this man “for the last time”, as he said. You’d give him the last chance he’s begging for. You stood here like an idiot, alone with stages lights shining on your face. No one in sight. - I hope you’re not joking… - How would I know where should you go then? - Point...it’s just that- - Shh. It’s ok. You head to the left now if you’re facing the stage. Tell me when you’re done. - … done…? - Okay. now open this little metal gate and get through. - Wha-what?? Why would I? Securities will kick me out if they find out! - They won’t. It’s ok. -You’re...one of the security guards, right? - Information when you get there. come on in. - You were so anxious about this situation. It just seems sketchy. He never revealed any information about him, maybe spread some lies you believed in. Who was this dude now? Was everything you knew a lie? - And? I don’t see anyone. - Are you wearing [your fav. hoodie/flannel/whatever you want it to be!]? - U-uh? Yeah, and you’re…? - Turn around, goof. I am standing right there. - … - you felt your heart stop, you weren’t able to breathe. You slowly turned around to see noone else than this mysterious japanese DJ you had a chance to see on stage. What- how- that were questions which were going almost like on loop in your head. - Stunned, huh? - he commented into the phone, then took it off of his face and ended call. It confirmed that it was him too - at the same time his phone went dark after single tap, your call ended.

You didn’t even got to give out bigger reaction. You just met him! Screw that he’s popular and hid his identity from you! For now. You ran into his arms and squeezed him, now sobbing like mad.

- You FUCKER! You could’ve said ANYTHING! All these secrets, what for! I kinda understand but- FUCK! - you shouted into his shoulder while he squeezed you in almost bone crushing hug. - I’m sorry, ok? - and it was his voice, sounded almost the same. Holy shit. - I’m so, so sorry, [y/n]. But at least I can be honest? - Then please be. Tell me everything you wanted to say. - It’ll be long, trust me, but well. Here goes nothing. - he put his hand on your cheek and clears your face from those tears you shed because of him. - I...wanted to tell you my name after like two weeks. I got worried you’ll find out after we talk some, so I did avoid personal information. While I was at it, I never wanted to lie. About my work and my day. I just lied at the beginning, then regret it deeply, but felt like I couldn’t take that back. [y/n]- fuck- I just- I didn’t wanted to be treated differently. I am popular and most people stop seeing a human in me because I’m a celebrity! It hurt me to avoid you getting to know me - heck, it hurt me to see you avoiding asking me about personal stuff because you understood. I appreciated it, but it hurt you had to remain silent while you were curious as hell, I assume. You wanted to hear me out, treated me like I am just like you, reached out to me. I grew on that, I want… I don't want to lose you. Please, forgive me. - I… it's… it's okay. I should call you… - Yasuo. It's Yasuo, [y/n]. - I'll get to know you all over, just be honest with me. You're still human and I want to be close to you. I… ah. I'll just let it out pleasedon'thateme. I… fell for you. Hard. You were a bug mystery for me but still wanted to be around me. I kept still since you're pretty important to me. Thank you for being there by this 6 months, let's continue whatever we have between each other. Please.

…

Yasuo moved his mask down to capture your face between his hands and kissed you, it seemed like a rough start, but kiss was soft, magical. You just smoothed, nibbling on your lips. Yasuo was now thanking you a lot, which you only replied with weak laughs and pats on his back. He promised he'll keep you as close as he can.

Yasuo had to continue his tour around the world with True Damage, but promised he'll take a lot of day off so he can work up lost time with you. It's been a month and you wait for him almost like wife waiting for her husband's return after military duty.

Yasuo took two weeks off, but if he'll need more - it'll be for you to decide. You were spending today inside since it was raining. It was dark outside already, the only source of light was candles in living room. Yasuo was holding you close to himself, moving side to side, swaying gently, adoring your every inch of face. - Lately I found this song on youtube, it was originally from vocaloid.it kind off remind me of us. - Vocaloid song? You know true meaning of lyrics for sure, tell me about it then! - I can sing a part of it for you, if you'd want to? - You can sing? - Of course! I just don't use it for my songs. Everyone else sing much better, my voice is too… - Too sexy for the world? - Hahaha, maybe! Want to check out for sure? I'll sing in English for you. - Sheesh, what a nerd. Okay, give me your best shot.

Yasuo took a deep breath in, and made sure before he starts to sing he looks into your eyes. He started like he was unsure, but with time he sang wholeheartedly.

"Though both of us will die one day

Though this life is useless anyway

When you're here by my side, you make me feel like it'll be okay

And yet we laughed despite it all

At this life which has no meaning at all

Two lonely and broken souls leaning on each other's sides

I'm glad that you're you, that I'm me, and for us two

I'm kinda glad that you're evil too"

While he was pouring his emotion on you, you felt your chest clench and tear up after intensity of his voice, he gave it out truly like he meant it. You saw he wasn't done, so you tried to remain calm.

"When the day starts anew, hope I spend it with you-"

You felt your cheeks burn with your tears pouring down whole you smiled widely at him. He was singing loudly, forgetting about embarrassment.

"I'm glad that I fell in love with you."

From today, this song made by PinnocchioP was more than important for both of you. It felt like it was especially made for you, and you both loved it.

112 notes · View notes

insomniiyac · 7 years ago

Text

Beyond My Pants and Into My Mind (An Aoyama x Everyone Concept)

You know what I’m tired of? I’m tired of reading the same awesome-ass fics revolving solely around Bakugou and Deku. So y’know what? I’m gonna make one revolving solely around twinkling boi because why not? >u>

NSFW Warning- not for the children or the faint of heart. Loads and loads of humor and sex with some wholesome content sprinkled in. Prepare to laugh your asses off. (This is a concept for a fic I may or may not write, so enjoy >u>)

Aoyama runs sex blog, also helps people with their problems

He realizes that some of them are actually his classmates after a conversation in the locker room

Insert online conversation with Deku (mild flirting). Reveals he’s crushing on Uraraka. Aww.

He feels bad about knowing their private lives but continues the blog after seeing how happy they are

Insert online conversation with Kouda

Holds a live show, people donate- sexy stuff ensues (with Bakuhoe going into maximum sadist overdrive)

Comes in the next day, normal day though his classmates are talking more openly about meeting V one day. Bakugou notices Aoyama’s apprehension and Kouda develops a crush

More sexy stuff that night/online sexting with Bakugou (reveals that Bakuhoe got a crush too holy shiet)

Bakugou confronts Aoyama after school. French boi gets scared and runs off, but expodikills corners him in the locker room and threatens to blow him up.

Aoyama reveals that he is V. Bakuhoe smashes his boiholes into smithereens. (did I mention frenchboi’s a virgin?) “I knew those moans sounded familiar.” Bakuhoe ensures his secret his safe.

Frenchboi got a limp, but he Gucci and goes to train anyway. Still gets ignored tho.

Insert online convo with Uraraka. Thinks V is sweet and wants to meet up. Oh no, what about Deku?

Receives gifts in the mail.

Inserts another online convo with Kouda. What a cutie, no way he could corrupt this innocent soul. Sends a tasteful nude.

Kouda wants to lose his virginity. Aoyama wants to help him, but that might give him away.

Fuck it, meets up and sleeps with Kouda. Disney princess is surprised that its him and is conflicted. Does it anyway. Hes happy. Ensures his secret is safe.

Receives message from Bakuhoe that night. He wants sum fuck. Give it to him.

Uraraka talks to girls about V. the girls are interested now. Time for some kitty cat.

Deku’s upset. His crush likes his advisor and now he refuses to visit the blog. Frenchboi’s hurt- that’s his bff

Convinces him to be honest with V and tell him whats up.

Insert online convo with Deku. Very heartwarming and Deku builds encouragement

V lets Uraraka down gently- she understands.

Frenchboi accidently spilling tea. Iida gets suspicious.

Insert convo with Iida. Turns out glasses boi got a thing for traps. Sends some tasteful nudes. Convo’s kind of hot. Gets to see iida’s dick.

Glasses boi drops suspicion for now. No way in hell frenchboi’s that damn good at sexting.

Blog is getting more popular within the school. Aoyama’s kinda scared.

Kouda hits him up. Wants sum fuck. Give it to him.

Insert convo from Mina. Very fun sexter, 10/10 will do again. Very pushy with finding out who V is.

Does another live show- has a huger audience. Ends with him writhing on the floor like mad.

Starts getting messages in the day time. Wtf, this isn’t his entire life… is it?

Mina blatantly asks Aoyama if he’s V in private.

“Why you ask?”

“Well, yours and his texting style is very similar.”

FUCK.

Mina takes his silence as a yes. Makes him eat her poom-poom for forgiveness. Also rides his dick. Ensures his secret is safe.

Deku and Uraraka is dating… HOORAY!

Receives more gifts. Also receives a shitload of messages he can’t keep up with.

Insert convo from Deku. Kinda wants to know who V really is too.

*sigh*

Admits that he is V.

Broccoli child wants a threeway.

……with Uraraka right?

“yes.”

Plans a threeway. Gets fucked in the ass and fucks zero gravity. Both ensures his secret his safe.

Iida’s suspicion arises again after seeing how the three interacts the next day.

Bakugou hits him up.

Another buttfuck session?

“No, I want your mouth this time.”

Uses frenchboi’s mouth like his personal fleshlight.

Insert convo from Kirishima. Very goofy and fun to sext. 10/10.

“Let’s meet!”

Jfc.

Is curious about his dickgame, so he can’t say no.

“You might be either surprised, disappointed, or both.”

“It’s cool, dude. You have such a cute body anyway, I’m sure you can’t be that bad.”

Fuck it.

Meets up with hard boi. Hard boi gets flustered.

“A-Aoyama?! I didn’t think you had it in you!”

Has sex.

Bakugou shows up.

Gets double-fucked.

Mina shows up.

Orgy.

Its one huge Aoyama-fest and frenchboi’s excited but terrified.

Is invited to fuck the bakusquad at any time now.

Frenchboi is exhausted and gives the blog a break.

A week goes by and his message board is in shambles.

Assures his audience that he still alive. Posts a video.

Insert convo with Momo. Shes ashamed she even came on here but V assures she is okay. Another heartwarming convo reveals that she’s not confident in herself. V makes her feel better. Momo develops a crush.

Those that know his secret starts putting a bit of respeckt on frenchboi’s name.

Kouda asks Aoyama out on a date. Kinda wants to say no but knows how much encouragement he had to muster to do it, so says yes.

Momo talks about meeting V.

“He’s so cute, I can imagine what it’d be like to meet him~.”

Mina and Uraraka burst into fits of giggles.

Insert convo with Todoroki. Very blunt and straight to the point, kind of a boring texter tbh. Innuendos seem to go right over his head. Manages to get him out his shell with a tasteful nude.

He likes that. Sends one right back. Frenchboi gets a boner. The talk is vanilla with a splash of cinnamon. Meh, 7/10. Todoroki admits he hasn’t done this before. How adorable.

More talk of V in the school. Its becoming a hot topic now. Teachers and staff are catching on.

Receives loads of gifts and money in the mail. Cant fit them all in his room so has to call his parents to store them in his room there. Parents are suspicious but doesn’t care enough to ask. Literally the source of his personal issues.

Insert convo with Tokoyami. Very emotionally charged conversation. Goth birb reveals he is depressed and has major self-esteem issues. So does V. The blog really is his life. V gives him words of encouragement. Tokoyami gracefully accepts and thanks him. Frenchboi realizes that Tokoyami’s actually… kinda cute? Interest in him peaks.

DATE WITH KOUDA. Goes to a petting zoo of course. Aoyama cant get the animals to come around him on his own, so Kouda uses his quirk to make it easier. Very, very sweet. Aoyama’s expecting to have to sleep with him, but Kouda’s alright with just a peck. Doesn’t promise too much, but Kouda really is a sweet, sweet boy.

Explodidicks shows up again. He’s jelly sandwich that frenchboi went on a date with Disney princess.

“but you liked V, not me?”

“STFU SPARKLE BITCH!”

Bakuhoe cant bring himself to ask him out, so he storms off like a baby bitch.

Frenchboi sees Tokoyami the next day, but friendship meter isn’t high enough to talk to him without giving himself away. Fuck.

Messages Tokoyami. Goth birb is surprised he messaged him first. Heartwarming convo leads to some hot stuff. Convinces goth birb to send a tasteful nude after some time. V compliments him like mad and flusters the birb.

More talk about V during the day. Most of the 1-A class are taking about how wonderful he is while others are skeptical. “Why just Class 1-A, hmm?”

Deku asks Aoyama about the blog in private. (Shouji overhears)

“Hey, how long do you plan on keeping this running? Aren’t you afraid you might be hurting your chances of positive press when becoming a pro hero?”

That;s a good question, but the answer isn’t so simple.

“Ne t’en fais pas, Deku-kun. I’ll be fine~”

No. be very worried.

Teachers and staff are beginning to believe the traitor is behind the blog and that its using it to find out personal information about the staff and students. Proceed investigation.

Shouji confronts Aoyama.

“so you’re V?”

Frenchboi admits it.

Tentacles ensures his secret his safe. “I’m just glad you’re helping Tokoyami out. But he’s gonna have to know who you are one day.”

Moral dilemma arises.

Gets message from Mina.

Bakusquad orgy? Bakusquad orgy.

Goes to Bakusquad orgy. Gets fucked by everyone there.

Bakugou gets in his feelings and starts getting possessive of frenchboi. Very aggressive with his love but will take versus getting Thanos’d.

Next day, Bakuhoe lowkey claiming croissant. Gets aggressive with Kouda. Kouda backs off and stops talking to frenchboi for a while. Poor thing…

Aoyama faces his fears and confronts bakuhoe for being a bakubitch.

Bakubitch is offended. Threatens to blow up frenchboi but Iida intervenes.

“This is none of your fucking business!”

Fight almost breaks out, but Aizawa intervenes. All three of them get suspended.

Iida contacts Aoyama during suspension. Asks what his relationship is between him and Bakugou.

Admits they’ve banged more than a few times. Accidently slips that they’ve spoken online beforehand.

“So, you’re V?”

“Oui.”

“AHA! I knew it!”

“Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“Your secret is safe with me, Aoyama-san!”

Iida’s secretly conflicted that he sent a dick pic and fapped to Aoyama, ngl.

Aoyama’s curious about Iida’s dick game, so he invites him over to his room for some play.

Glasses boi comes by, finds Croissant poised up in a school girl outfit looking cute af.

Hot sex ensues. Bakugou overhears it in passing.

Aoyama messages Kouda. Kouda responds. Says he really likes him but can’t do it anymore. Frenchboi feels horrible but won’t stop him.

Insert convo with Tokoyami. Lots and lots of flirting. Aoyama’s dying for Toko to ask about his identity, but the birb respects his anonymity way too much. Lets it ride. Sends pics to each other.

Suspension over.

Staff is pulling students one by one to question their relations to V. Aizawa makes an official announcement to be wary of V. Aoyama wants to fucking die.

Insert convo with Momo. Light flirting, confesses to V that she’s been thinking about him and wants to meet. Tells him that her school thinks he’s dangerous. V assures that he isn’t.

Insert convo with Deku. Deku’s concerned about frenchboi’s well-being and suggests he comes clean. Aoyama’s not ready to.

Insert convo with Bakugou.

Oh lord.

“So you’re gonna go and fuck Sonic the Nerdhog now!?”

“Bakugou, if you like me, just ask me out.”

“…”

Bakugou logs off for the night.

Insert convo from Tsuyu.

“Aoyama, I know its you, but I won’t rat you out.”

“Oh… okay, thank you? But why contact me from here?”

“Wellllllllll….”

Meets up with Tsuyu. Reveals that its spring and this is the time when her body’s ready to mate. Knew that Aoyama was an easy target. Take that how you will.

Oh yeah, frogs get busy in the spring.

Has sex.

+1 new fuckbuddy

Croissant goes to bed and realizes he’s been whoring himself like mad. Evaluates his life choices and realizes he’s literally addicted to the attention. Also realizes that his shit’s gonna slide out of his ass like butter if he doesn’t take it easy.

Declines offer for another Bakusquad orgy and gives the blog a rest for a while.

1-A is being investigated now. Tailman, Sugar Rush, Mineta, and Croissant are suspects.

Insert convo from Ojiro.

“Hey dude, I know this blog means a lot to you, but if you can show up in person and get these guys off our backs that’d mean a lot to us. Thanks~”

Damn… that’s one person that cannot know about his identity. Tells him he’s not in the country.

Is interested in Ojiro’s peen ngl. He got that martial artist bod afterall.

Coaxes tailboy into a conversation. Tailboy… aint really with the gay shit. Is a lot like Todoroki, but doesn’t even try to talk dirty. Jeez, is he really all that straight? 0/10

Sends a tasteful nude. Tries to get him to at least send his abs. Something.

“Fine.” Whatever it takes to get the staff from checking his internet history.

Send a pic of his torso, his pants are kinda low. OOF. DAT V LINE.

Talks a little bit more, then logs off.

Depression starts to settle in. His classmates are noticing him, but not for the right reasons. Deku notices. Iida notices. Uraraka notices. Tokoyami grows suspicious from his non-attentionwhoring ways.

Tokoyami approaches Aoyama for the first time.

Oh god, his palms are sweaty.

Knees weak, arms heavy… Mom’s spaghetti.

“Are you alright?”

“Oui, I’m okay.

“Are you sure? You don’t seem like yourself. I am a bit concerned.”

Aoyama comes clean. Tokoyami is surprised, but isn’t upset.

Spends the day comforting Aoyama. Even brings by moshi icecream. Very wholesome. Nothing flirty or anything, just bro stuff.

Toko compliments Aoyama on his ability to talk to people and suggests applying that offline as well- he’d be far more liked that way.

Frenchboi reveals that he initially made a regular blog to make friends because he often felt lonely at Yuuei but resorted to sex because of the lack of attention. Deku is his only legitimate friend here.

“Then let’s be friends as well.”

Aoyama cries. Hard. Very emotional moment.

He accepts it.

Aoyama writes on his blog that he’s not gonna be too active. People aren’t very happy, but they accept.

The folks in the know ask about his post last night. Keeps it cute and says he’s gonna take it easy for a bit. Deku and Toko smiles.

The staff of investigation notices the post and begins narrowing down the suspects.

Bakugou pulls Aoyama aside. He’s calm and collected- asks him if he’s okay.

Frenchboi nods, Bakuboi finally asks him on a date. He hesitantly accepts. Not sure why he’s so fixated on him, but cool I guess.

(Insert Bakusquad cheesing in the background)

Kouda summons the courage to talk to Aoyama again and apologizes for leaving him hanging. Frenchboi forgives him and accepts his friendship.

+1 Friendship

DATE WITH BAKUGOU. Indoor rock climbing! How cool is that!? Frenchboi is scared shitless, but Explosionboi knows what he’s doing. Bakugou is mainly quiet the entire time but is pretty sweet in gaining Frenchboi’s trust with the harnesses. Deep conversation reveals that Bakugou doesn’t have many friends either. Apologizes for being so pushy and inconsiderate. Admits he doesn’t handle his emotions well. Aoyama reveals personal info about his blog and his loneliness.

“You’re a fucking weirdo tbh, but you have a lot of balls.”

His way of complimenting him, I guess? Also advises him to stop being so fucking slutty before his ass becomes Stargate… or else.

Ooh, the irony.

Doesn’t sleep together, sweet peck on the forehead tho.

Tokoyami and Deku checks up on him.

Insert messages from Bakusquad telling him how much Bakugou enjoyed today. Also thanks Aoyama for being a friend through V.

Bakuboi probs told them about his dilemma, that little shit. He still felt loved nonetheless. Very wholesome.

Frenchboi comes into class the next day and… actually gets greeted? He tears up.

Bakugou calls him a faggot.

Gets called into the office after school.

It’s time.

They question him about the blog and its contents.

He comes clean.

Aizawa wants to expel the shit out of him but he technically did nothing wrong, so he stays.

Firmly asks him to delete the blog. Gets reprimanded for running a damn sex blog while training to be a public defender.

They agree to keep it under wraps, but Aizawa orders Aoyama to apologize to the class.

He does.

There’s a mixture of disgust, shock, and wonder.

The end.

TL;DR: tfw the blog that you think is singlehandedly tearing down your school is just the creation of a lonely 16-year old.

#aoyama yuuga #bnha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha fic #aoyama x everyone #fanfic #yaoi #lets make it happen

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daughterofhel · 3 years ago

Text

Just, void screaming. Ignore

Is this a pity party? Honestly. Maybe. Which I hate even further but fuck man, I’ve got no one to talk to but need to feel like I’m talking to SOMEONE. This is just bitching and ranting and woe is me bullshit. Sorry; just figured Tumblr was the spot to do it. Easy to be lost to the void while somehow feeling public enough that I can convince myself it matters.

Not that I expect anyone to still be reading, as this really is just a stranger here throwing a fit, but I’d like to say I already am going to therapy.

That out of the way..

Holy. FUCK.

I’m trying so god damned hard to work on myself. To get better. Get over shit and improve and grow as a person and shits always shoving me back. I still keepnfuckin going but man some days it’s just fucking overwhelming and you spiral down. I hate how often I’m spiraling back down.

I hate how alone I feel even with a wonderful wife. She and I talk. None of this convo is something we haven’t talked about but I also don’t want to just dump my constant woes on the woman I love. To the only person who loves me without any strings or conditions or whatever. I adore her. But god are we both lonely. I worry strongly it’s partly my fault. I think often; I can’t help it but I really am working on it. But god damn. My parents were kinda warped and conditional with their affections for me.

Only once I got a little older did my mother really bother, since I was no longer a burden but could be of use. Especially once she had her own kids. Now when I do get graced with any kind of greeting it’s for a mix of things. Typically I means she’s about to hit my father up for money; which means she’s gotta make sure she and I are cool so that cash still keeps coming. Other times it’s cuz she wants that mother daughter bond thing we absolutely do not have and wants to pretend it’s there. Nearly every call we speak her traumas of the past get brought up.

And fuck I feel really bad that happened to you mom, I see how it’s really wrecked your life up even now and I’ve offered the best advice I can, I’ve offered the kinda words, the supporting words, done what I can to my own best ability. Even if it’s always just letting you speak about the rapes of your past that I don’t want to hear about at all. I know that sounds selfish but I’ve heard it a lot and I know they still bother you so much and I know I am not the person whose gonna help you work through those. Im just.. not.

I hate when she cries about how her life was ruined from the few years she was together with my father; how his abuse and manipulations to this day affect all these things. How she reminds me and talks about them in detail nearly ever call as if this is news? Woman, I grew up ALONE with him. I’m fuckin aware what he’s like and how that fucks you up, thanks.

It’s some kind of fucked up bonding to her. Our last call, with my grandmother in the hospital and I having FaceTimed to get updates and say hi to my grandmother (I live in another country than them) she loudly detailed her miserable life with my father in front of the nurses as she reminded me how she’d have to hide us in closets in the dark to calm and feed me as he’d snap at any noise. How he’d hurt her. How she took us out of that home from him before she decided it was more important I had my father in my life since hers never really was. How she did what she could but there was no winning custody from my father when it came down to it.

I’m so use to hearing two different stories from both my parents as they paint the other as bad and I remember more than I want to. I silently listen and mumble the appropriate words. But I know my mother is either in denial or magically forgotten her own shit just like my father has his own shit.

While he slept around and wasn’t home for days and shit she would lock herself in her room. Or she’d go out dressed up to the bars and shit and leave me locked in that room. Sometimes for a couple DAYS. I KNOW this.

It was just worse when they were both home though. God. The screaming and breaking of shit. I still can remember trying to clean snotty tears and blood off my mothers face as I apologized for being bad and making dad mad after he had picked her up by the throat and threw her through our crappy american drywall walls.

I hate how this came up in convo. I hate how she mentioned how she wasn’t sure if my father ever touched me; sexually. Like hers did to her before he fucked off forever. I also hate how much she kept trying to bring up stuff and cases where she thinks it might’ve been possible, as if I needed that to be a thing on top of the other shit. She kept talking about it as if she WANTED it to be true. For us to have another fucking thing to relate to each other. Which. HOLY fuck woman. I called to say hi to my possibly dying grandmother and get info on THAT. Not for any of this.

Honestly. I don’t know. I don’t know if dad did that shit. If so, that’s a really sealed tight fucking memory. I’m currently focusing on the, what my therapist flat out calls torture, he put me through. My very own Mr Jeckel and Mr Hyde. Me Perfect Mr Nightmare. At the flip of a switch back and fucking forth. Spoiled and tortured.

I had my first breakdown that I can recall at age 5. I barely remember that trailer but fuck I remember enough. I remember a solid week of constantly getting the leather belt and screamed at by that marine. I didn’t immediately pick up my toys. I was struggling to tie my shoes. I didn’t answer right away. I made a mess with my food. I almost burnt our soup I was supposed to be managing on the stove: I had my own stool and all. I just felt.. overwhelmed. I told a childish lie, I don’t remember the lie but he utterly lost it. Lying remains the very worst possible offense to my father. What was an attempt to avoid more beating and screaming turned into a long nightmare.

I don’t remember those walls. But I remember his face. I remember being sat on the counter, as he demanded I look him in the eyes when I was talking to him or being screamed at. I remember him visibly shaking, him being so so red. The veins popping out of his forehead and neck. The muscles on his arms in the shirts he always had to cut just to fit those arms through. I could draw that glare as he always held it close to mine to make sure I couldn’t and didn’t focus elsewhere. His interrogating. I know I thought I had caught a break when that landline started ringing. I’ve no idea who it was who called.

My dads teeth were gritted as he responded curtly to the person on the phone who wasn’t getting the hint he didn’t want to talk. And I remember, sitting so high up on that counter, alone with this man, knowing he was about to hang up and no one was gonna stop him, that I was never gonna get this right, that I just. Felt some hopeless I started laughing. I saw the look he shot me and I swear the memory still makes my stomach sink every ducking time. And I was crying cuz I couldn’t stop laughing. He hung up quick and demanded to know what I thought was funny. That did I think lying was funny? Of course I didn’t and my ‘I don’t know’ responses never ever were received well. I just. I couldn’t stop laughing.

God I’m glad I don’t remember the rest but I do know he fixed that laughing problem pretty quick. I only remember how much I hurt.

I have so many things to say, so many years of even more shit; the things you just learn to survive. How you learn to not play strong with a man whose strong enough to make it hurt if he suspects it isn’t. You learn he wants to hear you scream and cry. But to a certain degree; when I got to that barely breathing ugly crying with pouring snot sniffling stage he got grossed out and threatened he’d give me a real reason to cry if I didn’t cut that shit out. Leaning over a surface so it doesn’t matter if your legs give out as your there’d bare assed to a folded braided leather belt being brought down amidst yelling was only part of that shit.

Once the beating was done I was orders where I was to stand or sit waiting for him to call me into his office. This could sometimes be a few hours. And god forbid I moved; he moves so silently, occasionally checking to make sure I was ‘reflecting on what I did wrong.’ Assuming I didn’t fuck that up it would be time for a new round of mixed levels of yelling. A foot or two from his face he’d want me to inform him what I did wrong, that I didn’t want to be miserable and anything like my mother, that it’s hard enough on him when I’m not doing my job and he’s doing his. (My job being the house and my grades). Then it was time for me to explain how I’d avoid doing what I did wrong again, and then I was to pick an appropriate punishment.

Takin away my time to tv, my PlayStation, going outside or having friends over. This was its own test; if I was too light on the punishment he thought my offense deserved I’d get screamed at and beat there by hands of his like iron and sent back to my room to wait to further reflect with a 50-50 chance of him either calling me into his room to whip me or to give me a second chance with a worse longer punishment chosen by me for the now double offense.

I hate how awkward I am with gifts. I know it’s partly dads fault. He’d buy me all kinds of things all the time. I didn’t really ever ask. Not to the sheer amount he would go out and get and give stuff. I was to be appropriately thankful. But of course, if I messed up with having not finished all the chores (and the right way) or not responding to him quick enough, watching cartoons before I finished my homework, you name it, my new stuff often got broken in front of me. Snap and crushed and thrown and shattered as he screamed over me as I was also yelled at to pick that shit up. And fast.

So yeah mom. I’m sorry he ruined holidays and gifts for you. I’m honestly sorry you still think about your time with him and that it hurts you. But you’re talking to the wrong person. I’m aware what it’s like, and I know you know. You want to relate on that but not really hear much from me except validation to how much it’s fucked you up.

I wake from the dead of sleep when a door slams. I didn’t even wake when I was asleep in a carcrash, that’s how heavy I sleep, you hear? And this door thing isn’t new but it got revamped by an event when I was just out of highschool. We built a home in Texas and we had a lot of space. I just happened to met and know and bond with folks in shitty situations and offered them a place to live until they got on their feet. One of the girls begged for her mother’s dog to stay with us. Mind you she never took care of this dog. My other roommates and I did. I even built the lady a doghouse as well as buying a big water thing for outside since it’s TEXAS.

But one weekend I was dog sitting for a friend who was going out of town for a horse show she was part of. Big lanky playful pup. He wasn’t hurting the old little dog but he did keep trying to get her to play. The girl didn’t like that and kept separating them. I told her to not move that dog away from the shelter and water, it’s summer in Texas. I had been working a double shift (16hrs) and was fucning exhaushsted and just crashed on my bed with one of my friends. (I had a big bed. Often shared with a handful of people). Well, apparently that girl moved that dog far away from hers, leaving the poor thing chained up to a single tree, no shelter, no water, and he was crying. My father stormed into the basement madder than fucking hell.

He doesn’t tolerate animal abuse. I was barely an hour into sleep, unaware of the situation, when he grabs and yanks me by the ankle, it startled awake my fried next to me, as he screamed at me. I thought he was going to throw me against the wall. I was still not fully awake to process what he was screaming at me for. Which enraged him more. I figured out what it was and quickly moved the dog back to the shelter and water and reported to my still super pissed off father. I got pretty upset with that one roommate; it ended up being one of the many many things that I had her move out over. I’m not my father, even if angry at the other shit she had pulled, I packed her stuff and helped load it into her car as she went to live somewhere else. No matter how bad it got between me and some of my temporary roommates, I always packed their stuff and helped loaded it away.

But being jarred awake and fearing instantly for my life as I was face to face with my fathers rage has me still on alert with slamming doors.

And right now? Living with my wife’s parents and aunt, it’s becoming a slight problem. Our nephew spends most of his time here than he does at his own home. Since COVID he’s been to his own home less than a week in total. And his grandparents and great aunt are 100% enablers of really shitty behavior. They just want quiet so they left him have whatever he wants no matter what. Anytime my wife and I try to law down rules and enforce them he screamed and slammed shit, telling everyone to fuck off and how he hates them, loudest screaming he can manage, more slaming more screaming, and this can go on for an hour or more.

And the ‘adults’ yell at US and tell us off in front of the kid. He’s aware he will get what he wants. If he doesn’t want to go to school, he doesn’t go. This kid spent well than more days home than at school. Just cuz he didn’t feel like it and wanted to play video games. He watches stupid shit on Instagram and tilt ol and your Uber influencer folks and sees all this named brand shit and insists he HAS to have that shit. That shit that costs enough money to make your eyes buldge for a stupid crappy hoodie or his, no joke, 100th pair of shoes or newest PC assessory or whatever.

His mother time to time borrows money she doesn’t always pay back, cuz she and her boyfriend struggle with bills or feeding their own cats cuz she never tells this kid no since he throws a bitch fit. It’s wearing so fucking thin on us. It’s hard to dote and love on our nephew when he’s so shitty to his family. He refuses to go to therapy and no one makes him go. He literally less than a YEAR ago finally started wiping his own ASS, and he’s 11.

I’ve been warning him a lot lately to not have his laptop at the table cuz there’s a bunch of folks at the table with plates and bowls and multiple glasses of water, pitchers of water, and he’s gonna be really upset if he ruins his computer. He can just use his phone. It’s not like he stays at the table that long as it is. He’s been super bitchy about it but I’ve been very stern on it the last few days. Well, today he was fucking around with something with the water and got it on his phone. There were no paper towels.

So he threw an horrid fucking fit. Lost his entire fucking mind. As my wife and I are trying to reason with him and teach him to not react like this when things happen like that and to instead ask for help or thibk, what else can I use, like the kitchen towel for example, everyone’s enabling his tantrum and coddling it and telling us to hush up. We are trying to teach him how to fucking handle life! Any time any little thing doens go his way immediately he gives up or throws a fit or something! It’s not healthy. So we are trying to ask him to talk about why he’s feeling overwhelmed with this or that, help him figure out what can be done (or accept that sometimes that’s just how life is, what’s important it your attitude, a spilt glass is a spilt glass, whether you laugh or scream and cry. It’s happened. Your approach to how you handle that will make you a happier person and folks happier to be around you).

We help him where we can, try to show him things. But no one else cares! If it’s not an instant quick fix to what he wants we need to shut up and back off. And it just fucning sucks to see how this is only going to end badly! He isn’t being raised how to handle anything at all in life. His moms off living her single life with her boyfriend and we’re trying to raise this kid with three adults who are all making things worse and overriding any progress we make.

Today. He snatched his laptop and made a point of putting it on the table during us prepping dinner. I took it out and told him it can wait until he’s done with dinner, we’re already trying to fix his phone. He will survive one dinner without being on his phone or computer.

He throws himself to the fucking FLOOR screaming and crying. I get yelled at by one of the grandparents while the great aunt tried to ‘reason’ with me. Last time she distracted me with what I thought was genuine conversation she was actually having with me but was really jsut so the kid could sneak his laptop into the kitchen. So I stood my ground this time. Let the kid throw his stupid fit. Dinner will be finished soon and he can play and watch his videos. He literally takes 10 minutes to eat and leaves. I’m in the midst of helping my wife cook and set the table when I’m told to essentially shut up and let him have the laptop and.

I just got so mad. I apologizes to my wife but i know my limits. I know them. And I was about to do or say something. It’s every god damned day with this. I literally wake up to this kid screaming and bitching and slamming doors and throwing fits cuz he wants something and he’s not getting it. He literally got those tiny finger plastic skateboards cuz he saw and wanted them. And his mom came and picked him up to go BUY these when she’s nearly broke, yelled at us for calling him out on this and how he could have waited, and then ten minutes later ask us for money and food for her pets.

And today?

Today I was so fucking done. So fucking mad. So mad at how they treat my wife. So mad at how their attitudes are ruining the development of this kid who I really do love and I only see him getting shittier as a person. And I went to our room. And my wife joined and cried and cried. Of course the kid got his laptop and all was fine for everyone downstairs. Of course it was. My wife had already cooked dinner and prepped the table. I already folded and hung out the latest laundry. Who cares if we’re hurting.

On my way up the stairs I told that kid he’s an asshole. To be fair its almost daily he screams at us to go fuck our selves and that we are assholes and how he hates us. I told him he treats his family badly, the family who loves him. And that’s what I left it at. They’re all Italian. I’m still learning to speak so I’m not able to articulate myself super strongly. Which makes ALL OF THIS so much harder and more frustrating. So so so much harder. But I’m so tired of my wife crying. I’m so tired of how they treat her. I hate how her aunt texted how she loves her and then goes on to excuse this kids shit behavior and reprimand our actions and shit. Why is it the kids feelings are the only ones that matter? Why is my wife constant collateral? You’re damned right I’m fuckin mad.

I’m struggling to work on overcoming my own personal problems and triggers with this EDMR therapy and I’m wakin up up a cocktail of some of my literal nightmares and the kid and family KNOW IT. They don’t know the finer details like my wife and therapist. But fuck man. They KNOW and yet they let him keep behaving like this. They keep telling us we are wrong and we’re being too hard on the kid and he’s struggling cuz his parents divorced.

Well shit kid. That sucks. I’m sorry. That’s rough. But you literally have a huge family of people who adore and love you. My god I would love to have that. Right now? The fucked up part? My closest kindest most helpful person in my life besides my wife is my father. His age has mellowed him out. He’s still fucked on some stuff. But it’s been nearly 30 years. He’s not totally changed but he surly is worlds away from the man I started out with. His financial help provides us food on the table. He recently helped us get a new fridge so my wife’s parents can use it without bending and hurting their backs.

Today I get informed by my mother in law, who had not been present for any of tonight’s drama, that my wife needs to stop and that I am to not curse as her grand son ever again. Which, I said he was being an asshole? Cuz he was? He was screaming Curses at us, has been nearly every day anytime he’s mad. I called him out. I didn’t scream it; I don’t scream. I want to be nothing like my father. But I did call him out. Am I proud for calling an 11 boy he’s an asshole? Erm. No. But god he’s emotionally abusive to this family ajd they allow and encourage it. I’m so scared he’s gonna end up pushing one of them in his fits and it’s gonna hurt one of them badly or worse! Their health’s already shaky. We’ve already had to help her father up the stairs and to the bathroom and get dressed and undressed due to him feeling back. Hell today my wife took him to a few different docs. It’s been a long fucking day.

This kid was being horribly rude and nasty to my wife. To the grandparents who love him. Was close to breaking stuff. All cuz he had to eat without his laptop! Cuz he didn’t listen and got water on his fuckin phone! Which is now working thank god; we fixed that. I just.

I want to cancel therapy. Wise? No. Probably not. But we NEED to get out of here.

We already don’t really have any friends. We kinda do. But it’s.. kinda temporary conditional. Generally more along the lines of ‘work’ related or we’re the only ones free at that moment in time. Not that they’re bad folks they just don’t need us like we need in return.

Personally I know I have problems. I’m boring. I’ve abandonment issues I have and still am working on. And I overthink and I’m so worried that this fucking cluster of things just.. make me one of those folks doomed to just. Not have friends. I hate myself every waking moment of my fucking life cuz I so badly want friends. I wish I didn’t. I have tried and tried to not want it. But I do. And it sucks. I know it’s me; when something keeps happening it’s clear you’re the problem. And I ask often. Maybe once a week, a month for sure, my wife what I am doing wrong. What I’m not doing enough. What I could do better. She doesn’t have any answers and I can’t keep asking her. I hate to ask. I hate wearing her down. I don’t know what to do. I am just a fun fling friend. A week, a month, sometimes a year or so, but then it dwindles and dies off

And I spent all my life living between homes when it wasn’t with my father, giving up on my privacy, on my interests, my freedom, to put on a smile ajd take on new chores, often caring for kids, and swallowing my own feelings and being less than second or even third place in anyone’s life; I just want someone to choose me first you know? I miss the days of having friends who were excited to have free time cuz that meant they had time to hang out or chat or something! I don’t beg; I won’t beg. I don’t want to have to fight for a slot in someone’s schedule and pray I get lucky. I also know I can’t expect people to have the same wants in a relationship as I do. And so I’m stuck. Sad, quiet, and thankful for what I get when I get it, and quietly letting stuff go. Because the few friends I have are decent folk, but I’m never going to be that friend folks want to be around to just be around.

And I’m still struggling to accept that. Cuz fuck. Alright it hurts. I look back and every friendship lasted only as long as I had something to provide in service. Once I couldn’t provide or they found something better, either they drifted off or just completely dropped off the radar. And that…

That sucks so fuckin much. I don’t think I’m a shitty person? I think I can be entertaining? I listen. Maybe my humor isn’t okay? I ramble too much? Too spacey? I go over the list so often I don’t even know. I’m tired.

I’m not talking romantic here but god I do want to be loved. Or at least have a couple folks good at faking it. I hate that I miss my most toxic friendships. At least they were around. I knew theyd talk to me. Want to. Would seek me out. I knew free days meant we were gonna chill (not always but a good chance!). And I know adult friendships are a bit different. I know work and romance and family take the front seat.

I just want to matter to someone a little more than the one use I can provide. I want to be more than a fun temporary distraction.

I’m beyond thankful for the woman I married. And I mourn that her friends live far away too. We both just want friends. I want to have my wife tell me she’ll be back late cuz she’s going out. I want to see her send me a silly photo or a food snap and have her come back home late, glowing and laughing and smiling with her friends. I want to invite them over to dinner and be on comfortable terms with them. I want to goofy around and be loud and rough house and geek out with my own friends. I want to have that found family you know?

Nearly everyone’s dead on my fathers side and whose left is.. best left alone. Or has made it clear they don’t thibk much of me. Ajd my mother’s side don’t talk to me. I moved so much I don’t know them and most of them never bothered cuz they never thought I’d survive as it were. My mother’s burnt bridges and that means any chance I had is pretty much gone. I don’t know where each and every cousin and and it’s just wierd to try and connect cuz we have blood. It’s just. Been too many many years. And it’s not like a single persons ever reached out my way you know? Polite to my face and I so back. But that’s the end of it.

God I’m just so burnt out. I’m so sad more than not. I’m trying to get out of my funk. I hate how I stay in bed. I don’t mean to. I just. It’s our only space to be left alone in, for the most part. Every home I’ve lived in being alone was best. My room (if I had that, or at the least it was shared with someone else), was one of the few solace’s. Usually my only real peace was the bathroom.

And I am finding it hard to break out of that. I want to quit therapy and save up money and get us OUT of here. I feel my progress would go better and my wife would be so much happier if we could just Get Out.

Maybe we’d even be fortunate and meet some friends who liked us and wanted to be around, if we had our own place? A fun possibility. I am use to running a house. I’ve done it countless times. It was my job with my father. Often it was a strange mash up of that with other families but with a lot less freedom.

I’ve stayed up all night cuz I feel like puking and I’m drowning and I needed to just.. get the thoughts out of my head just a little. I know I’ve only scratched the surface. I haven’t shared everything. I don’t really plan to. But these are the things most in my head

Dealing with this shit. On top of this therapy that has me reliving my childhood traumas one at a time to heal them over or some shit on top of waking up to screaming and doors slamming as my wife gets yelled at for trying to stop that situation sucks. Seeing my phone buzz only to constantly see just comic updates (often to comics I’m not even waiting on), my father messaging me either bad news or stuff he’s doing, and my mother with her bullshit and her bad news and guilt trips, instead of a friendly hello is just.

I’m tired of crying too. My fathers discipline has made me adverse to crying. I literally tore myself off the road when I wrecked my motorcycle, I forced my knee to bend so I could continue on my way to work where I treated the road rash, the rolled flesh, the open wounds, with rubbing alcohol— which took the breath right out of my fucking lungs, and I didn’t cry. But this shit?

I’m so worn. My therapist praises me for surviving when I wish I didn’t.

For my wife? I will try. For her. I can’t hurt her.

But god. What’s fucking relief it would be. I wish there was just something I could do. To fix this. To be less selfish and problematic. Though as I can very clearly remember wishing all my life for any kind of mercy to never see it, I know that’s not gonna happen. You are your own hero or your own villian. Right now I’m both and I’m losing.

I’m probably gonna just get dressed since the suns up and start drawing more wood plans. I need to make extra money. I can be sad and work; I’ve had jobs before. Ha.

I thoroughly believe life will be a little better once we have breathing room. I’m so tired.

#don’t read #just let me void scream #I’ll get over it #always do

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